


For Those Below

by Limestu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 13:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limestu/pseuds/Limestu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the risk of losing their relationship of over a year, Dave lets John in on a secret he's only ever shared with a single other person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A vent piece I work on when I'm upset. Potentially going to be full of triggering topics such as suicide, physical and mental abuse, depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria. You have been warned.

Your name is Dave Strider. You sit at your computer in the middle of what can only be described as the single hottest heatwave in recent Texan history, trying your best not to spontaneously burst into flames as the sunlight somehow manages to stream through your closed curtains and your hair ruffles lightly in the breeze of your shitty, ineffectual fan. 

A bead of sweat runs down your brow and catches on the arm of your sunglasses, running along the smooth plastic before settling uncomfortably in your ear. Normally you would have dealt with this minor annoyance, but not today; you sit firmly in your seat, arms in place, not moving a muscle. Your fingers hover over your keyboard, your eyes locked on the small, white box in front of you. The coloured symbols within clearly once meant something to somebody, but right now, to you, they may as well be hieroglyphics.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

EB: wow, hey dave!  
EB: you're up early.  
TG: hey john  
TG: listen  
TG: i have to talk to you about something  
TG: and no im not breaking up with you get that shit out of your head right now  
TG: i know how your mind works and i wont stand for it  
TG: stop that  
TG: stop it right now young man  
TG: dont make me break out the wooden spoon ive seen those old sitcoms  
TG: nuns and women in aprons brandishing carved pieces of wood at their offspring  
EB: um.  
TG: do you want to be my unruly child sorely in need of a solid beating john  
TG: is that what you want  
TG: because that is what will happen if you keep on thinking that ridiculous shit  
TG: i will rap you across the knuckles so hard youll swear that i was the doggfather himself rip in peace  
TG: ok that didnt make any sense hes not even dead  
TG: whatever  
TG: anyway yeah ok so first you need to promise me you wont make a big deal out of this  
TG: i mean i know that thats pretty much the single best way to make people freak out about something but thats the way i decided to do this so deal with it  
EB: dude, oh my god, shut up. if you don't want me to worry, i won't worry. what's going on?  
TG: ok cool  
TG: real gentlemanly of you egbert  
TG: im literally swooning right now  
TG: like  
EB: are you done?  
EB: should i come back later?  
TG: fine  
TG: give me a sec

You swallow deeply, trying to form even a single coherent thought. You'd done it; you'd taken the plunge. You'd finally managed to prick up the courage to mention to your boyfriend that something was up, and this was all you could say? What a waste of a perfectly good rant. You thought you had been ready - you had only been practicing this conversation in your head for the last six months, going over every possible scenario, trying to find the best way to break the news to John. What a spectacular waste of time.  
You swallow again, cocking your head slightly to try and dislodge the droplet that is currently tickling your eardrum. You reach over and crank the fan up to the highest setting, trying to ward away the sudden dramatic increase of heat that you wish wasn't located entirely in your cheeks.

EB: dave, i promised that i wouldn't worry, but i would still like you to say something soon.  
EB: maybe even just let me know that you're ok?  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --  
EB: ok that is sort of close to you saying something, but that is not quite what i had in mind.  
EB: i'm right here, dave. i love you, ok?

Damn it. You've been sitting here wrapped up in your own thoughts for coming up ten minutes now. You need to say something because you know that as much as John tried not to worry when you were upset, it took a lot out of him. He's scared and it's flattering, but you'd rather keep it to a minimum if you're able. A worried John is a sad John, and as much as you hate to admit it, a sad John is a sad Dave.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is no longer an idle chum! --  
TG: i know dude  
TG: thanks  
TG: sincerely that means a lot right now  
TG: i guess thats what im scared of you know  
TG: the fact that  
TG: at any second  
TG: i could say one thing  
TG: one stupid little fucking thing that i should have said months ago  
TG: hell i should have said it years ago  
TG: and that one little thing could be the difference between you keeping on loving me or not  
TG: goddamn i guess anyone would be scared right now  
EB: dave, what brought this on?  
EB: you know that i love you, and you know that i will always love you.  
EB: you've never doubted that before. what's happened?  
TG: nothings happened  
TG: thats the thing  
TG: this isnt a sudden problem  
TG: its a lifelong thing  
TG: im only just getting up the courage to tell you now  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: sorry that was just such a blatant fucking lie that it made me laugh  
TG: let me correct myself  
TG: im only just getting up the courage to tell you that i have something that i need to tell you at some point maybe  
TG: awesome huh  
TG: everything that you liked about me  
TG: all of the bravado and the attitude and the coolness  
TG: its all gone now  
EB: dave, stop.  
EB: i don't care whether you wear your stupid mask or not.  
EB: you're acting like i've never seen you like this before.  
EB: i will ALWAYS love you.  
EB: now stop panicking and tell me what's up, or i will be forced to call your house and make a big scene that will probably end up involving your brother and a lot of worried crying and hyperventilating.  
TG: ok wow well neither of us wants that obviously  
TG: ok so  
TG: ok  
TG: ok  
TG: ok  
TG: ok  
EB: ok?  
TG: ok

What's the point of stalling? He's laid his cards out on the table; you have his undying love, no matter what. He promised you that. Now it's your turn. You run your fingers through your hair and breathe deeply through your nose, trying to keep your eyes from wandering around your room. You wouldn't find any salvation anywhere outside of your computer screen, and you know it full well. You gaze wistfully over at your turntables, wishing that you could close Pesterchum right now and iron out some of the kinks in your latest rap. Get away from this entire fucking situation.  
You shake your head slightly, closing your eyes and trying not to hyperventilate. You type out a response then delete it. You type out a slightly different response, deleting it again. You do this several times before you settle on two words: the two most important and terrifying words you have ever uttered to another human being.

TG: im trans


	2. Chapter 2

EB: what?

Your name is John Egbert, and you think you might still be asleep. It would explain a lot: why Dave was up a good hour and a half earlier than he usually is, why he'd just said the most shocking thing that you had ever heard, why your dad was downstairs apparently watching old tapes of Cirque de Soleil performances at 7 in the morning, and why Dave had just said the most shocking thing that you had ever - wait. You've thought that already. Okay, so you probably aren't dreaming. Your dad does that almost daily anyway, and Dave might have just been awake since last night. You stare blankly at the computer screen until you notice that Dave has already responded.

TG: what do you mean what  
TG: im trans thats it  
TG: john  
TG: hello  
TG: fuck  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

Now you've done it. Dave put his heart out on the line, and you've fucked it all up. You weren't even sure what he meant, in all honesty. Trans? As in transsexual? That couldn't be right, you'd hung out with Dave plenty of times! You never noticed the outline of breasts when you'd been fooling around, had you? Now that you think about it, Dave was always somewhat softer than other guys. His hands were small and smooth, his features were softer, he never had any stubble, he was slim and short and walked in a way that nobody could ever call "masculine". Maybe he really is a girl? Your mind is racing. What did this mean for the two of you? You never defined yourself as strictly "gay", so you're sure that it wouldn't mean the end of your relationship. You've kissed girls before, so who cares? Well, one girl anyway. But you'd liked it!

EB: dave, come back.  
EB: please?  
EB: should i even call you dave anymore?  
EB: do you still want me to?  
EB: is that insensitive?  
EB: fuck, i'm sorry.  
EB: i'm not saying any of the right things, this kind of came out of nowhere.  
EB: can you just please come back so that we can talk about this?  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is no longer an idle chum! --  
TG: john its fine  
TG: we dont have to talk about this if youre not ready  
TG: god knows im not fucking ready either  
EB: it's okay, dave. really. talk to me.  
EB: i'm still right here. i'm still your boyfriend.  
EB: that hasn't changed. nothing has changed.  
TG: you say that  
TG: you fucking say that but i know it has  
TG: i know what youre thinking right now  
TG: you think maybe you read that wrong  
TG: or maybe i meant something else  
TG: you are trying so goddamn desperately to believe that i didnt just say what i just said  
TG: am i wrong  
EB: dave, that isn't fair.  
EB: you knew this would be a shock.  
EB: and yeah, it is kind of a surprise!  
EB: i've never even met someone who is trans before you!  
EB: i don't want to accidentally say anything that is rude or mean.  
EB: you are my boyfriend, and i love you, and i want to do what is best by you.  
EB: see? should i not call you that anymore?  
EB: i'm scared, too. i don't want to hurt you.  
TG: ok sorry  
TG: youre right  
TG: sorry  
EB: it's okay, dave. really.  
TG: ok  
EB: so...  
TG: so  
EB: what now?


	3. Chapter 3

What now? You've never heard a more difficult question in your life. What _did_ happen now? Damn it, damn it, damn it. You had the lead-up to the conversation all planned out, but you didn't bother to think of the aftermath. You had hoped it would all sort itself out, and that the conversation would lead itself. You smack yourself on the forehead internally, not wanting to risk any kind of actual sudden physical contact as that combined with the heat would probably make you black out. 

TG: i dunno  
EB: well…  
EB: do you want to say anything else?  
TG: i guess so  
EB: and?  
TG: i cant think of anything to say right now  
TG: please try again later  
EB: ok, well.  
EB: would you like some time to think about it?  
TG: not really  
EB: then could i maybe ask you some things?  
EB: "im trans" doesn't really give me too much to go on.  
TG: ok  
TG: shoot  
EB: ok, um.  
EB: when did you first realise this?  
EB: that you were trans i mean?

When? Huh. That was actually a good question. Damn it, Egbert. Starting off with something as hard to answer as that? That's a dirty fucking tactic.

TG: i guess always  
TG: i mean weve known each other since we were what  
TG: like  
TG: eight i guess  
TG: maybe seven  
TG: before that anyway  
TG: long before that  
TG: since i was born  
TG: i remember asking bro if i could buy a dress once when i was a kid  
TG: he didnt give a shit he took me to the store that afternoon  
TG: i chickened out though  
EB: ok.  
EB: who else knows?  
TG: nobody except you and bro  
TG: i dont really want anybody else to know yknow  
TG: like  
TG: i dont want anybody else to know maybe until they absolutely have to  
EB: do they ever have to?  
EB: i mean, if we just keep calling you dave, they will never be the wiser.  
TG: dude what no  
TG: whos ever heard of a chick called dave  
TG: what would that even ever be short for  
TG: davina  
TG: davidellen  
TG: id like it if we could maybe keep spitballing a bit on that one  
TG: maybe see if we cant find at least a slightly more feminine name for me  
TG: like  
TG: i dont know  
TG: fucking bruce or something  
EB: wait.  
EB: aren't you really a girl?  
TG: what  
TG: dude no ok  
TG: even if i was born physically a girl  
TG: which i wasnt  
TG: asking if someone is really something else is so fucking taboo  
TG: youre going to have to learn the lingo man that shit wont fly  
EB: oh my god, i'm so sorry!  
EB: it's just that i guess you are sort of feminine as it is, and it seemed like maybe you were just pretending to be masculine?  
EB: which i guess you are, but in a different way.  
EB: right?  
TG: sure  
EB: haha. god, i'm such an idiot.  
EB: that's good though! i mean you look enough like a girl that i thought you actually were one maybe, so you have that much going for you!  
TG: i guess so

You try your best to keep your hands from shaking as you type out sluggish reply after sluggish reply, trying not to over-think everything that's happening. You've told John, and he's taking it well. Well enough, anyway. That's good, right? He hasn't broken up with you, he isn't upset, he isn't treating you like scum. You repeat this to yourself over and over and over again, trying to drum it into your head that you are both perfectly fine. Every time you try and convince yourself of this, a small voice in the back of your head chimes in with a helpful 'Then why can't you calm down? Why are you still shaking? Aren't you happy he's okay with this?'. You try and squash that thought down, instead focusing on the positives of the situation.

TG: listen  
TG: as much as i love being forced to read tiny blue text for hours on end daily  
TG: for some reason im just not feeling up to that just now  
TG: do you think we could meet up soon  
TG: like  
TG: next week  
TG: would your dad be ok with that  
EB: um.  
EB: i'm not sure.  
EB: i will go and ask right now!  
EB: brb!  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You sit back in your chair and let out a deep breath. John feigns ignorance on his dad's thought patterns all the fucking time, but you and he both know damn well that he'll do nigh on anything to make his son happy, even going so far as to pay for regular cross-country flights so that the two of you can meet up as often as you do. With the thought of being able to see John in just a few day's time tucked neatly under your belt you start browsing the Internet mindlessly while waiting for him to return and give you the good news. You pull your wifebeater off your chest in the vain hope of unsticking it for more than five seconds and grimace at the sight of the hair you see when you happen to glance down, clearly visible through the glistening sweat. 

Things can't change fast enough for you. 


End file.
